One Lip Balm to Rule Them All
Hello, it’s me: your lizard queen. Come closer—and let me smooch you with my dry, scaly, horrible wintertime lips that are practically falling off my wretched face.
Real talk though: How did this even happen? Not only do I live in California, land of zero winter weather, I am a lip balm junkie of the highest order. I’m talking Operating Thetan status here! (You are watching Leah Remini’s crazy new Sci-Ti exposé show, right?)
My collection of personal lip products is unparalleled in these modern times, and I never go more than an hour without slathering some of it on my face.
The Internet will tell you the reason for your awful chapped lips is that you aren’t drinking enough water—but that is patently untrue. I drink so much water that I’ve had to have an office with adjacent bathroom written into my deal memos on shows, otherwise I’d never get any work done walking back and forth to the loo. Yet still, my lips are in terrible shape right now.
I’m pretty sure the old fashioned floor heater in my 1911 Craftsman house is what’s causing my lips to be dried to bits this winter (because I never have this problem in the summertime, despite being outside in the sun all day every day)—but I’m not going to sit here and freeze to death with the heat off, so I’ve had to seek out some solutions.
The same dumb Internet that told you the solution to chapped lips was drinking more water will also tell you to exfoliate those lips with a toothbrush. Immediately disregard any and all advice from the person who tells you to do this, for they are wrong. A toothbrush is far too rough for lips that are already stressed out. Instead, jump into the shower and use a warm, damp washcloth and massage your smackers in small circles.
If you really want to go for broke, try this delicious lip exfoliator made from real corn grits called (are you ready for this) Kiss My Grits! (A nod to the great Flo from Alice, no doubt.)
Made with white corn grits, organic sugar, coconut oil, pecan oil, sea salt, and vitamin E, it’s the most luxurious way I’ve found to exfoliate the horrible dry lip skin that is currently making your lipstick look like hell. I just smear it on and lick it off, as everything in it is food-grade quality—but you may want to behave like a human-type woman and use a warm, damp washcloth to remove it instead.
Once you’ve dealt with the dry, flaky skin, it’s time to mucho-moisturize. But not just any lip goo will do. No, you need to bring in the big guns. And that means First Aid Beauty’s Ultra Repair Intensive Lip Balm.
Made with beeswax, safflower and sweet almond oils, shea butter and honey, it has brought my lips back from the dead when even my $60/tub La Mer lip balm couldn’t do the trick. It stays on for 5+ hours (even through light drinking), and I just recently realized that I went an entire day without applying anything after using it overnight. I think the secret ingredient is beeswax, as I’ve noticed most petroleum-based products tend to just sit like snail slime on top of my lips and not really sink in so they can get to softening.
I always feel like I’m gunking up my fancy lip balm pots by sticking my dirty fingers in them all day long, so the last time I was at Sephora I snagged a handful of those little plastic scoopers they have for sampling products. (But before I did, I asked the clerk who was helping me. She said “as long as you’re buying something, it’s fine!” So snag to your heart’s content the next time you’re picking up a new nail polish.) It’s the perfect lip balm accoutrement—and it keeps everything pristinely clean, just as I’d hoped.
Consider this case of horrific chapped lips officially CLOSED.
