Secret Santa Gifts That Would Get You Fired if Anyone Knew They Were From You
If you are already dreading the impending tedium of yet another hours-long, office-wide Secret Santa gift exchange, here’s a good way to spice up the experience: Give a gift that, were it not anonymous, would be sure to get your ass fired (or at least hauled into HR for a stern talking-to) and watch your co-workers wonder who among them is secretly a total psycho.
Perfect for taking notes in meetings, the product description of this blank ‘People to Kill’ journal helpfully notes that the pages are ultra-thick, so they won’t bleed through—even if you write in it with blood. Paired with a murder-themed pillow, you’ve got the gift basket of a lifetime.
You know what people are really freaked out by? Body parts. I once had a jeweler drill into my extracted molars and make them pendants for a loved one, who now he doesn’t return my phone calls. The items below are both reproductions, but your gift receiver doesn’t need to know that.
This seems like as good a time as any to tell you about my father in Texas who carries what is practically a dang six inch Bowie knife with him at all times, just in case he needs to cut a piece of fruit. He pulled it out to hack up an apple at my grandad’s old-timers home when I was there for a wedding last month and a trio of folks who were 90 years+ came within an inch of having synchronized heart attacks. Imagine what would have happened if he carried one of these to chop fruit instead:
This Breathalyzer doo-hickey is the perfect gift if you happen to draw the office lush (like the accountant on my old show who marched into our wardrobe office at 4pm on the last day of shooting and proceeded to drink an entire bottle of tequila that our show’s star had bought for the costume department, you know who you are):
I hate to tell tales out of school, but I actually brought this serial killer game along on a weekend trip to the woods with pals—who were all more than a little spooked when I managed to get close to 99% of them right with minimum effort. This Secret Santa gift is the right way to let the office creep know you’re onto him.
For the coworker who’s always hogging the bathroom:
And ignore any advice you’ve ever gotten about food or animals being bad gifts. Who could resist having earthworm jerky or 1500 live ladybugs land in his or her lap?
This last one would make an excellent gift for that person in the office who is always sniffling:
Anyways, are you stark raving mad? I am joking, do not really do any of this. Give none of these things I am suggesting for office Secret Santa gifts unless you work at Rob Zombie’s house, as I can’t afford to be sued for your wrongful termination. Here are my REAL ideas for perfect, useful Secret Santa gift-giving (*all 100% guaranteed to get you a raise):
A fork that helps twirl spaghetti without it sliding off:
I’ve given this seat-gap filler to numerous Prius owners—and years later, they still tell me how useful it is. But pssst! My clever dad (he of giant Bowie knife fame) just used a $2.50 piece of insulated foam pipe covering cut to size for the same effect.
If it’s worth taking to work, it’s worth keeping cold (and that tumbler is ridiculous, there was still ice in my cocktail the next morning after I fell asleep drinking it):
A cutie nightlight is a good Secret Santa gift for someone young at heart. I own the tiny unmotivated egg one below, and it puts out the perfect amount of light to see what’s going on without disturbing anyone else in the room.
This little etiquette book really is small—as in it fits into the palm of your hand. But the information it contains about how to use every utensil and otherwise behave properly at a fancy dinner is actually quite useful. Another great piece of etiquette advice that makes a perfect, useful Secret Santa gift? Always have a greeting card handy. You never know when you’ll need to say Thanks, Congrats, or Happy Birthday. This box of 25 all-occasion cards has made me look like like a polished debutante more than once.
These clever insulated bags that can be used with a standard grocery cart are the best way to 1) not forget your damn bags in the car and 2)make sure your eyes aren’t bigger than your reusable bags can carry. And you really haven’t lived until you’ve sipped a homemade smoothie with a reusable glass crack pipe straw. It’s pure drinking bliss.
To be an all-star Secret Santa gift-giver, you have to know your audience. A mini tape measure is a handy accoutrement for the dedicated online clothes shopper to check sizing with, while a set of measuring beakers is a good way to encourage the office cookie-maker to bring more treats to work—STAT.
This sheepskin-lined bedside eyeglass holder is perhaps the most useful thing I’ve bought in ages. No matter how sleepy you are, you can manage to shove your spectacles safely inside. And if you’re constantly digging in the dark cavern of your makeup bag for a particular item, stop—just slap it into this flat nylon disk so you can clearly see it laid 0ut in front of you—then snap the dumb thing closed in seconds.
I always pretend that I’m buying these last two for myself. But joke’s on you, people who never got my gifts, cause these are the best sugary treats money can buy. Happy holidays!
*Not actually guaranteed.
I am the author of ‘How to Get Dressed: A Costume Designer’s Secrets for Making Your Clothes Look, Fit, and Feel Amazing’.
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