Yes, It's Possible to Visit Your Family in a Pandemic — Here’s How I Did It
— A disclaimer: I am obviously not a doctor. I don’t even play one on TV. I am, however, an obsessive researcher of COVID information, facts, best practices, and latest developments. I was urging folks to wear masks at the end of March, when the CDC and WHO were telling us not to. I’ve become a vocal advocate for daily rapid COVID tests that can be administered at home. I have access to a COVID specialist who is working to help get the TV show I am staffed on back up and running safely. In short, I’m just a well-read, well-informed citizen. What you are about to read is clearly not medical advice, it’s simply my thoughts, opinions, and experiences. Use this information at your own risk.
I’ve been in COVID lockdown (staying at home as much as possible) ever since my job shut down mid-March. I was working as a costumer on the set of a TV show in Hollywood, and once the news broke that Tom Hanks was ill with the Coronavirus, the show ceased production and we were all sent home. Five long months later, I realized that things weren’t going to get much better anytime soon, and that if I wanted to see my 70+-year-old parents and 95-year-old grandfather in Texas sometime in the next year (or two?), I’d need to get creative.
I thought long and hard about what to do — how to get myself there safely, how to keep them safe while I was visiting, and how to still have the trip seem fun and fulfilling. I read every bit of information I could get my hands on, and I also had the luxury of consulting with the COVID expert that the show I am working on hired to establish a protocol for resuming filming safely, so I had a bit more guidance than the average person in my decision-making.
My visit turned out better than I could have imagined. We had fun, stayed safe, and seeing my family rocketed me back to happiness, as I’d been struggling as of late. I did not feel unsafe at all along the way, and I’m pretty sure we cracked the code to seeing each other safely at this weird time. No activity in the time of COVID is risk-free, obviously, but I believe there are concrete steps you can take to seriously mitigate risk.
The first hurdle to overcome was how to get to them. I am based in Los Angeles and my parents reside in Austin. I considered driving, but it’s a grueling 24 hours on the road in the middle of what has been a scorching hot summer. It’s only a 3-hour flight to see them, so I finally decided against driving and made plans to fly after reading extensively about flying in the age of COVID.
According to Erin Bromage, a Comparative Immunologist and Professor of Biology (specializing in Immunology) at the University of Massachusetts Dartmouth, planes have very sophisticated air filtration systems that completely clean and exchange the air in the entire cabin with fresh air from outside that has gone through HEPA filtration multiple times per hour, rendering it some of the cleanest air going these days. Here’s an excerpt from his excellent blog post on the matter, ‘Flying in the Age of Covid-19’:
On modern Boeing planes (others may be the same), the entire air volume of the cabin is exchanged with outside air every 4 to 5 minutes (12 to 15 cabin air exchanges per hour). Additionally, the cabin air is filtered through a HEPA filtration system 25–30 times per hour.
As a point of reference:
HEPA Filters: are required to capture 99.97% of all particles >0.3 micrometers.
N95 respirators: are required to capture 95% of all particles >0.3 micrometers
So the HEPA filters in a plane have a higher filtering capacity than the N95 masks doctors and nurses are wearing when they are caring for COVID-19 patients. Granted, the respirators filter 100% of inhaled air, but the point is, aircraft have a substantial air filtration capacity.
As it turns out, the plane itself is not likely to be an infection point—and the old saying that airplanes have “recycled air that makes you sick” is probably not true at all. If you’ve ever thought you got the flu or any other sickness “on a plane”, you more than likely got whatever it was while crowded at a security line or bunched up with all the people desperate to board first at the gate. Turns out, those same spots are where you’d be most likely to be exposed to COVID — not on the actual plane itself.
I took great care to social distance at both in these areas, asking anyone who got too close to “please give me space”. I wore a fabric mask with a PM 2.5 activated carbon filter (the best thing I could find) in it along with a pair of safety glasses to protect my eyes from the minute I walked into the airport until the minute I walked outside at my destination.
Most people on my flight followed the rules. But fair warning — there will ALWAYS be one bum steer trying to skirt the rules and taking their mask off constantly during the flight. For this reason, I also packed a face shield and an extra face-covering in case I was seated by any mask scoffers. When one started acting up near me, I tied a bandanna over my mask and switched my safety glasses out for a face shield, which is the maximum protection you can get against any airborne illness. Boom, even if people are acting the fool, you’re covered. If you have the right tools on standby, you’re safe no matter what others are dong. Don’t rely on the flight attendants to enforce mask-wearing on board, because Jet Blue’s attendants sadly did not.
I flew Jet Blue for the specific reason that they are blocking out the middle seats on all planes until at least October 15th. A few other airlines (like Delta) are doing the same, so it’s worth seeing if one of them has a flight where you’re going. It was a little more expensive, but I felt markedly less anxious while on the plane, as there was not a person huffing and puffing right next to me. I’d avoid United and American at all costs, as they are NOT blocking out middle seats and social media reports show that their mask enforcement needs serious work.
The planes I was on and both airports were pretty empty, and I honestly feel like RIGHT NOW might be the halcyon days of air travel as it relates to the virus. Those blocked middle seats are going away soon — and winter is coming. Would I fly again at Thanksgiving or Christmas when the planes and the airport are far more crowded? Probably not.
On the plane, I followed Erin Bromage’s advice and sat by a window, which means there are less people passing you in the aisle. I packed some paper towels I’d soaked with liquid disinfectant in a Ziploc bag (as Lysol wipes have clearly disappeared from the earth) and wiped down my seat’s armrests, window handle, tray table, seatbelt, and overhead air vent nozzle before takeoff. Wiping down the air nozzle is important, because another great piece of advice I cribbed from Bromage is to open it and point it directly at your face. This is pure HEPA filtered air, and having it stream down on you will do a good job of keeping any stray virus particles away from your nose, mouth, and eyes.
Once onboard, I took great care to not move around or touch anything I didn’t need to. I read my book and kept my elbows glued to my sides as much as possible. I stopped at a nice hotel to use their lobby bathroom before I got to the airport, and that way I didn’t need to use any airport or airplane bathrooms. (But I had my GoGirl in my carry-on bag just in case.) This is a good time to mention that I also did not check a bag in order to avoid the crush at the baggage carousel.
My mom picked me up at the airport. I kept my mask and face shield on, and she wore a mask and face shield. I sat in the back behind the passenger seat to be as far away from her as possible, and we rolled down two of the windows a little bit more than halfway as we drove. We tried to keep talking to a minimum on the drive, as talking creates spit particles and we were in a slightly enclosed space. Once I got to my parent’s house, I opened my suitcase in the garage, changed clothes and shoes, and went directly to the bathroom to wash my face, arms, and hands before I came out to visit anyone.
If I was traveling with my boyfriend, we would have rented a car. The agreement my parents and I settled on was to not have more than two people in the car at one time. As you plan your own journey, keep in mind that a visit during a pandemic can only safely work if both households and all involved parties are on board with the safety plan. Any naysayers or virus deniers can tank the whole thing.
I want to backtrack a minute and tell you why I decided it was safe to attempt to visit my family in the first place. My parents have been in strict isolation since March, getting groceries delivered and masking/social distancing at all times. I have been wearing a mask since day one of the pandemic, and I am ultra-careful with my virus protocol when running errands or distance visiting with select friends. If I were going out to bars and crowded house parties, I would not have made this decision to go see my parents. As the COVID consultant on our show puts it:
“You have to lead ‘as pure of a life’ as possible if you want to visit family. That means always masking, no crowds, always social distancing when seeing friends or out shopping, and never slacking on hand hygiene. If you do all that, you’re living the absolute ‘purest’ possible life to avoid passing infection on to others.”
Before I chose to travel, I chatted about it with my both personal doctor and our show’s COVID consultant. My mom consulted her primary care doctor and her allergy specialist as well, as she is considered somewhat high-risk due to suffering from severe asthma. The consensus was that because I have my own bedroom and bathroom there, as long as we kept social distance while in the house, wearing either a mask OR a face shield, we would be fine. At first, I couldn’t fathom social distancing from my parents in my childhood home, but in reality, it wasn’t so bad—especially when it meant the difference between seeing them and not seeing them.
We chose not to attempt to get a COVID test beforehand, as the current hot mess that is our testing system in the US ensures it will take anywhere from two-10 days to get the results of your test, which makes it completely useless as a tool to know if you are infectious or not. If you want eventual access to a cheap, 15 minute, at-home saliva test that you could use as a screening tool to visit family and friends, take a moment to visit RapidTests.org and demand that your state’s governor and Congressional reps take action to provide them to us. The technology already exists—they just don’t want us to have them for some reason.
While at my parent’s house, we took care to double our social distance while visiting for any amount of time indoors, sitting 12+ feet apart in the living room while wearing either masks OR face shields as we chatted. Normally wearing a face shield only would be a no-no, but since it was paired with maximum social distance in a tightly controlled situation, all the experts we consulted said it was fine. If the weather is decent where you’re going, opening a door or window for fresh air and ventilation when you’re inside affords you even an greater protection against the virus. My parents also had a recent upgrade to their HVAC system that filters all air in the house through UV light, which is known to kill certain viruses. Does it work on COVID-19? Nobody really knows, but it can’t hurt.
I never used any bathroom besides mine at the house, and we did not congregate in each other’s bedrooms. I stayed out of the kitchen as much as possible, allowing my parents to be the main ones touching surfaces in there. We ate all our meals outside on the patio and relied on simple dinners that didn’t have a lot of complicated parts in order to make it easier to get in and out of the kitchen space quickly. We took care not to cross each other’s path while moving through the house — there was a lot of announcing things to each other, like “I’m going in to use the bathroom and get a drink, so please wait to come in until I’m done”.
We tried to keep as much of our socializing outdoors on the patio as the weather would allow, even going so far as to drag box fans from the house outside with extension cords so we could visit out there longer. We sat outside for 10–12 hours every single day I was there, chatting and giving ourselves pedicures and watching movies on our iPads. I’m extremely lucky that my parents have a pool — as it was close to 100 degrees during almost my entire mid-August visit. We were able to hang out in the pool when it got too hot on the porch, and it was easy to social distance while swimming. (I also took the opportunity to dunk myself underwater and hug my mom’s legs as a stand-in for the real thing.)
Even outside, we took care to keep our chairs 6 feet apart and have masks handy if needed, even though we did not wear them. According to the COVID expert on our show, moving activities outdoors makes you 20 times less likely to transmit or catch the virus — so it’s worth plotting how you could get comfy outside while planning your visit. If I visit when it’s cooler, we are considering opening the garage door and hanging out in there.
I’ll admit it felt awkward to flatten myself against the wall, hold my breath, and turn around when I happened upon my father in the hallway, acting as if he was Dracula risen from the dead, but we got used to it quickly. We were definitely not shy about reminding each other constantly — putting out an arm to remind someone if they were getting a bit too close and saying “face shields!” or “grab your masks!” when we were headed indoors.
Our thinking was that a shorter visit (Thursday through Monday) was better than longer, as it gets easier to be lulled into security and mess up on distancing and face-covering as a visit wears on. We didn’t attempt to do anything extra or fancy (like see aunts and uncles at a distance in the park), as more moving parts to a visit is more chances to make a mistake. We planned what we would have for breakfast, lunch, and dinner before I came, and my mom did a curbside pickup of all the groceries we’d need for the trip before I arrived.
We also took caution not to drink too much alcohol, lest we forget the rules and slip up. If we needed to be closer to each other than six feet for any amount of time AT ALL (like helping to carry plates of food outdoors to eat), we wore both a mask AND a face shield, and took care to hold our breath and look away from each other during that brief time. We tried not to talk loudly or laugh unless we were outside in the open air. And I should hope it goes without saying that we also took care to wash and sanitize our hands frequently, but it’s truly one of the best tools we have to avoid getting sick, so I’m saying it again here.
We decided ahead of time not to hug while I was there, but if you absolutely must hug a loved one while visiting, there’s a smart way to go about it. Here’s what Linsey Marr, an aerosol scientist at Virginia Tech and one of the world’s leading experts on airborne disease transmission had to say about hugging in the New York Times:
If you need a hug, take precautions. Wear a mask. Hug outdoors. Try to avoid touching the other person’s body or clothes with your face and your mask. Don’t hug someone who is coughing or has other symptoms.
And remember that some hugs are riskier than others. Point your faces in opposite directions — the position of your face matters most. Don’t talk or cough while you’re hugging. And do it quickly. Approach each other and briefly embrace. When you are done, don’t linger. Back away quickly so you don’t breathe into each other’s faces. Wash your hands afterward.
And try not to cry. Tears and runny noses increase risk for coming into contact with more fluids that contain the virus.
While I was visiting, we went to yell hello to my 95-year-old grandfather from the balcony of his assisted living facility. He’s hard of hearing, so we brought megaphones to make sure he could hear us. He was overjoyed, as he hasn’t seen ANY family since they locked down the place in March. He was smiling from ear to ear, and talking about it to everyone who FaceTimed him for days after. Honestly, that half-hour of baking in the sun in a parking lot, shouting “I love you!” to him through a megaphone was worth the whole trip. He’s 95, after all, and none of us are promised tomorrow.
Before I left town, I stripped the sheets from the bed I slept in and started them to wash. I also bundled the towels I used into a basket so my mom could just dump them in the wash instead of having to touch them. I also emptied the trash can in the bedroom and bathroom I used myself so nobody had to touch any of my personal refuse. This part was probably a bit ‘extra’, but I decided the small amount of effort was worth it to make as sure as possible that everyone was safe.
On the trip home, I repeated everything I did on the way there. The same dude who kept taking his mask off on my trip out was on my plane home (of course, just my luck), and once again, the Jet Blue flight attendants did nothing to correct him. In fact, they allowed him to hang out in the galley chatting with them, completely unmasked, so I doubled up on my mask again and put on my face shield. Yes, it was hot and stuffy, but totally bearable to be absolutely safe for the less than three-hour flight.
The bottom line here is that we all agreed on best practices before I arrived for the visit, and we examined every small detail of the trip to determine how we could best manage to not get our spit or any aerosols that could contain the Coronavirus onto each other. After all, the virus is not a magical worm that wiggles around corners and into gaps, traveling as if it’s a heat-seeking missile on a mission to infect you — you have to get your spit and aerosols on each other to spread it. Act AT ALL TIMES like your family has the virus (or like they have extreme chronic halitosis and haven’t bathed in weeks) and you’re good. Having said all that, this is an excellent time to remind you yet again that I AM NOT A DOCTOR, and if someone in your family is ultra high-risk or immunocompromised, you might want to take even further precautions than I did—or just not go at all. I’m only attempting to give you some food for thought by sharing my experience with you here.
I don’t think I’ll ever know if we actually didn’t do enough to be safe while I visited and just got lucky — or if we went a little overboard in our quest to be safe. I think the truth is probably somewhere in the middle, but what I know for sure is that seeing my family soothed the deep-seated anxiety that has been growing in me since March. I was becoming despondent at the thought of never seeing them again. It was good for my mental health to visit even briefly and at a distance, and it was good for theirs too—even if it was slightly odd and stilted. I don’t think I’ll get to see any of my family at the holidays this year (barring a miracle), so this unusual visit will have to tide us over until something changes. Seeing them was truly a bit of magic dust at a trying time. Be safe out there.
I am a former costume designer and the author of two books on fashion: The New York Times Best-Seller ‘How to Get Dressed’ and ‘The Accessory Handbook’. You can find me on Instagram, Facebook, or Twitter. You can also buy my books here, or sign up for my email list by texting ALISONFREER to 22828. Thanks for reading!
